FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

John Howard to be deported after failing citizenship test.

Canberra, ACT, January 26th 2017: Former Prime Minister John Howard is set to be deported after failing his citizenship renewal test, a test which has its origins in a policy established by his own government in 2006.

The test was first established in 2006 as an effort to promote “cohesion and integration”, and in the beginning only applied to people applying for citizenship. Members of some political parties criticised it from the beginning, calling it a cheap political stunt, and accusing the government of promoting fear and division for their own ends. However the test came into existence regardless, thanks to the Senate majority John Howard’s government enjoyed.

The government of Tony Abbott and Brian Houston later expanded the reach of the test, requiring all citizens to take the test every 10 years, as part of their citizenship renewal application. They also changed the content of the test, giving it a much more overtly white, conservative, and christian flavour, which the then former PM John Howard was publically supportive of.

With the election in 2015 of the Garrett government the test was changed again. During his election campaign Garrett stated his intention to abolish the test entirely, but facing a hostile senate he was forced to compromise. The result was a significantly smaller test, seen by many as merely a step on the road to the full abolition of the test.

In a cruel twist of history, anonymous sources at the Department of Immigration have revealed that John Howard has failed the test. Some have suggested the Garrett government may grant him an amnesty, however no official comment has been made. If standard procedure is followed, Howard will be transferred to the island of Nauru and stripped of his citizenship, awaiting appeal.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Howard failed the multiple choice question, “Which of the following are UnAustralian?”, the possible answers being:

1. Violating UN sanctions in order to sell products to a murderous dictator, in the full knowledge that those funds will be used to further oppress his peoples, followed by going to war with said dictator in order to “free” his people, only to spark a civil war which any historian could have predicted – resulting in hundreds of thousands of recently “freed” but dead civilians.
2. Deploying the military to prevent survivors of a ship wreck being brought to safety on Christmas Island, a breach of international law, sending commandos onto the ship instead of medical assistance for the injured survivors and later shipping the survivors to a small pacific nation in exchange for lots of cash.
3. Accusing refugees on a sinking ship of “throwing their children overboard”, when it is clear they are simply trying to get off the ship to safety. Implying that all such refugees are murderous child killers, and that many are terrorists, and all should be locked up indefinitely because if they’re not we’ll all be killed.
4. Enacting legislation which removes the rights of workers to the advantage of big business, leading to longer hours and lower pay for the most disadvantaged members of society – then harping on about how it’s better to have a job that requires you to work ridiculous hours for low pay in bad conditions than not have a job at all.
5. Ignoring all the scientific advice which suggests climate change is a real threat, promoting the position that there is no scientific consensus, and supporting the U.S. in not signing Kyoto, undermining the only international effort to combat what could become the greatest threat to humanity ever.
6. Pandering to big business and especially big media, while simultaneously trying to gut the ABC, in an attempt to establish a Fox News style media propaganda culture.
7. Not watching the Boxing Day test match.
8. All of the above.

Apparently Howard answered “7″, whereas the correct answer is “8″.

He will not be missed.

-AP